Monday, August 29, 2016

Thought

Oh this thought,
like a spark,
arising out of nothingness,
naive of its existence.
Oh tell me!
if this thought,
transcends the boundaries,
of my flesh and bones,
and seeps into your conscious desires,
like water into water,
like fire inside a fire.
Will they tickle your senses,
give you a reason to smile?
If not for an eternity,
maybe just for a while.
Oh my thought,
will it bounce around the universe,
and knock on your door too?
Is it sublime, will it vanish,
will I be the only one,
to ever live it through?
Guess I will have to let go,
let go the ownership of any thoughts,
maybe then I can break free,
thoughts are thoughts,
neither you own them,
nor do they belong to me.
Free of false possession,
and full of life,
where there is meaning in void,
and the being is always true,
thoughtless yet thoughtful,
I will transcend into you.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Ready to face the world

It was a chilly December night in 2012. Finals were just over. I and my two roommates were kicking the semester goodbye in the usual fashion; drinking through the night. We were about to depart to our beds when the girl next door showed up and literally dragged us into making a bonfire in the backyard. Her loud and obnoxious nature was well known to us. We surrendered to her ideas and started collecting twigs and small branches, or at least pretended to do so, just so that we could avoid her wrath. One moment, I realized that it was just her and me in there. I started getting uncomfortable, not because of her presence but due to the apparent absence of my roomies. I had a hunch that the boys had their suspicion on me and were watching my activities from the window inside. I was too drunk to actually see them do it but I felt pretty sure. I worked it up all in my head that they wanted to see if I will start hitting on this girl. We knew her standards were not too high in particular. The very first time we had hang out together in the backyard, she had peed right in front of us. Anyone with two legs could get laid with her, or that's what we thought. 
I started to act as if I was hitting on her. I got closer till my body was touching hers. All to prove a point, to deny my roommates from confirming what they had thought of me. This act of false courtship went on for a while. But then I had enough. A voice inside me told that it just cannot go on like this anymore. This drama had to stop. I could not go on like this forever. The truth needed to be told. 

I escaped her, went straight to my room and locked myself. I was trembling, pacing back and forth my room with some unknown feeling. It was different than fear, it was certainly more than just fear. I opened my laptop and started going through the pictures of this girl that my parents had intended for me to marry. I looked at all her pictures, one by one. I could see the innocence in her eyes full of deep questions. They compelled me to surrender to truth, nothing but the truth. I felt if I told the truth and lived with it, it would, at worst, ruin just one life, that of my own. But clinging on to the lie as I had done for my whole life would mean that I would be responsible for the misery in not just mine but also the life of this innocent person that I had not even met. And at that moment of time, in that locked room, I decided do the right thing.  

I went to the living room. Roommates were in their bedrooms. I called them. They sat on the couch with amazed looks in their faces. I said that I had to tell them something. I paused for a long time and then gathered all my strength to utter the words, "I am gay." It was definitely the hardest moment of my life. When I asked if they had any suspicions, it turned out that everything that I thought earlier that night was just fabrics of my own imagination. Being drunk and sleepy, and also the fact that no one from our culture ever comes out, the boys had no clue how to react and suggested that we talk about this the next day. I was all shaken. I was scared about the prospect of others in our community finding it out. It was not a well planned coming out after all. It just happened. I called a really close friend of mine and we went to this cafe that opens 24 hours right next to campus. It was already four in the morning. At first, he just would not believe me. It took all my sincerity and hours of talk to convince him that I was actually gay. Later, he became my closest ally and helped me shape the course of my coming out process in the weeks and months that followed. I wish every gay person had a friend, an ally like him. 

It has been a smooth ride ever since. I have come out to all of my close friends whom I had a chance to meet after my decision to come out. As they are scattered all around the globe, I have not yet had the chance of seeing and telling many other great friends, but I am sure they will be happy for me as they read this. A big milestone for me in this journey was coming out to my brother's family when I saw them in Thanksgiving 2014 in Buffalo. I knew that they will love and support me no matter what but I was still a little nervous. When my bother told me that not only did he support me but would also fight with me, I knew my life ahead was not going to be as hard as I thought. I was relieved, coming out to my parents was going to be much more easier now that I had my brother and sister in law in my side. 

I had thoughts about going home this summer and telling my parents but things didn't work out as was planned. My brother's family was moving back to Nepal and we thought it would be a good idea for them to tell our parents. My brother told dad and I later called and told mom. Phenomenal support once again. Mom said, "Why didn't you tell us earlier? I can only imagine what you had to go through." She added that it was god's will to make me the way I am, and we all need to cherish this blessing. I felt really fortunate that I had this great woman as my mother. Even with all this support, my family was still a little reluctant about the idea of me telling everyone. I talked to them about it a few more times and convinced them that it behooves me to come out to everyone as it is not just an exercise of my individual freedom, but a moral responsibility as well. In a conservative society like the one back home, coming out is not something people do. I do not know a single Nepali gay person personally. This should not be statistically possible, but the strong stigma attached to homosexuality has prevented people from being who they are. And it is not just Nepal, I have seen and met plenty of gays here in US who remain discreet owing to the social pressure. People living two lives, because society does not accept the real them. I do not intend to change the whole society, I cannot, but if my action inspires just one more person to live his or her life honestly, I will be delighted. I have gathered support from my straight friends and family for this cause. I have seen people change their minds when it is someone they know and care about. I hope I can play my small part in this movement towards equality and justice. 

I am old enough to know what is right for me and young enough to nurture dreams for a better future. I am hopeful that I will get to enjoy the true essence of life when I am true to myself and to the world. So here I am, finally ready to take off this mask once and for all. Here I am, ready to embrace the world as who I really am.  Beat the drums, fly the rainbow flag high, I am gay, out, loud, and proud.  

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Sunset on Mississippi

A photo posted by findmeasim (@findmeasim) on


Write your name on the sand
carve it out on a stone.
Shout out your name loud
or sit still, be unknown.

Pile up stones upon stones,
pile up days upon days.
You may live just one life,
but you may live it different ways.

You will be gone and forgotten,
so will the river and the sun.
And while it lasts, rejoice,
sunset on a river is always fun.



Monday, January 19, 2015

Clouds of Monsoon

Oh the clouds of Monsoon!
for how long
will you hold the rain?
break up your shackles
pour down that water
wet my dreams
and desires
before I gently
go insane. 

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Words and feelings

Late in the evening
of a dying day in fall,
aware, I may lose a part of me,
afraid, I may lose it all.
I scratch my brains 
for the words 
struggling to come out.
I arrest the feelings 
that have started to
cry out aloud.
Hush! I tell ‘em,
don’t you be so restless.
Wisdom is to wait for the moment,
you don’t even know 
what you might have to face.

Enough of this already, feelings say,
listen Mr poet wannabe!
enough with your words,
it’s time for you to set us free.
Words only paint you
the way you want to be seen.
We are your true self,
your being, essence, and your belief.

Hold on you lil’ rascals!
you need to mature and grow old.
Till the time, enjoy the confinement,
do just as you are told.
I will be ready one fine day.
I will face the world as I will say,
you are my feelings,
you are part of me.
You are my feelings
you are all of me.
Till then spare me my comfort,
be it as fake as you claim it to be.

I look around me,
no traces of sunlight. 
The evening is all gone,
let me welcome the night.
Deeper I could have gone, 
but I say to myself, 
I’ve already been too deep,
and with a stone in my heart, 
I put all my feelings to sleep. 

Friday, August 22, 2014

Summer 2014

It was a summer of craziness, a time old friendships were cherished, celebrated, and new ones bloomed. Mediocre attempts at artistry and exuberant amounts of intoxication constantly distracted the focus of life. Grand ideas and aims were nurtured that lasted only for moments until the harsh reality of my own character crushed them into dust that blew away with the humid winds of July. Obsession over someone, meaningless revelries, derivation of worthless feelings of joy and pain from trivial events persisted almost till the end before the sight of the road ahead crashed the bubble. Every summer changes a person, this one was no exception. More than anything, this summer brought me close to myself. It revealed to me in all its inglorious form, the fragile state of my mind, my vulnerability, and the frailty of the ties that weave me with the people in my life. I hope I can carry this understanding of my imperfections and this sense of self-awareness into the coming fall, winter, and life ahead. One swallow doesn't make a summer. One summer shouldn't break a person. Cheers to a summer in which I almost lost myself!

Friday, July 4, 2014

"Selfie"




In you, 
I see a king, 
conspiring assassination 
of the rebel pauper.

In you, 
I see a pauper rebel,
fighting for freedom, 
in a kingdom of hate. 

In you, 
I see the emphatic wins,
the heartbreaking failures.
I read a million stories,
of triumph, and torture, 
and faded glories. 

And you reveal to me,
all that is you.
For I can decipher 
the codes of mask
under which you hide. 
Yes I know that you know that I know
the real me is on the other side.


Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Adaptation of the poem "Where The Mind Is Without Fear"

Where the mind is without fear
and the head is held high.
Where honesty rises above
the petty and the great
needs for lies.

Where the world has not been broken
by narrow domestic walls.
Where the pursuit of happiness
isn't just a fake promise
but a right for all.

Where words come out
from the depth of truth.
The stream of knowledge
and the fire of reason
shape wisdom, invigorate youth.

Where the moral arch of justice
doesn't need to bend anymore.
Where peace within self
and harmony with others
is what everyone strives for.

Take me to that place
where I may live
with all my imperfections
without the lies.
Where I don't need to cocoon
like a caterpillar.
Let me be the butterfly.
I will dive in the ocean
and I will sail the sky
where the mind is without fear
and the head is held high


**********************


Original Version by Rabindranath Tagore:
Where The Mind Is Without Fear
Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out from the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake.


Thursday, May 22, 2014

All the awe

One more bottle is empty,
one more faith has vaporized.
In this moment of silliness,
being begs to be realized.

I posed questions on life,

I pondered on the night sky.
All winning moments I tried to hold,
Gosh! they keep passing by.

Couldn't do it with my reasons,

how could mere words do the job?
Floating in the ocean, everything's absurd,
say life, say being, say hatred, say love.

Consciousness deceives constantly,

there are no Alas!, ifs or buts.
All the awe, all of the wonder,
is the singularity of life,
the plurality of thoughts. 

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Cricket in Baton Rouge

http://digbatonrouge.com/article/the-city-s-hidden-game-7316/

THE CITY’S HIDDEN GAME

SMALL IN NUMBERS, THE BATON ROUGE CRICKET CLUB AIMS TO SPREAD A LARGELY UNKNOWN GAME

BY JACK BARLOW

POSTED NOV 27, 2013

It’s early on a sweltering Sunday afternoon when the cars start pulling into the parking lot. A bunch of men hop out and start to pull the gear from the back of a couple of cars; two battered flat bats, a couple of extra-bouncy tennis balls, two sets of bright yellow, plastic sticks called wickets … it’s a strange sight, so it’s no surprise when the occasional passerby throws a confused glance in their direction. This happens more often than not.
Cricket, little publicized in the U.S. at the best of times, is a rarity around these parts. It’s a game totally foreign - in both origin and concept - especially in a town that’s existence revolves around the most American of all sports. Far from the battering physicality of football, cricket has a genteel and very English image: tall men in white with curved moustaches tapping a leather ball around, polite applause, cups of tea … and gosh, did you see the way Jones crafted that googly down to fine leg, old chum?
Indeed. But cricket really isn’t so English anymore. Shedding its image as a game that’s utterly confusing while it takes forever to play, the last decade has seen it trim down and shift the center of its popularity from the United Kingdom to the Indian subcontinent. It’s essentially a simple game with many nuances; two teams of 11 players face off, the winner being the one who scores the most runs. One team bats while the other team fields, and they swap over when the first team either loses ten of its eleven batsmen or runs out of time. It is kind of like baseball, really, except with a flat bat and different ways of scoring runs.
The long (up to five day) test matches are still popular, but the focus is now on the crisper, shorter One Day and, especially, T20 formats. It’s the latter of these that’s the most recent innovation. It’s also shortest, and its popularity has soared. The Indian Premier League, an Indian T20 competition that gathers the best cricket players throughout the world, is now a billion dollar industry.
Unfortunately for cricket fans, there hasn’t been too much of a spillover into the U.S. market just yet. Despite early popularity – there were several teams from Philadelphia and Boston in the late 1800s that successfully toured the UK – the game has usually been played within immigrant communities from either the Indian subcontinent or the Caribbean.
It’s no different down here. The men running around the LSU car park a few Sundays ago were all from Nepal, and most of them are members of the LSU Nepalese Student Association. It’s all pretty ramshackle. They get together when they can, working around LSU events and schoolwork to gather and have a bit of fun for a few hours at a stretch. The organizer for the Nepalese crowd tends to be Ph.D student Asim Shrestha, both a tenacious batsman and threatening spin bowler.
“I grew up around cricket,” Shrestha says. “It’s the number one sport in Nepal and my family always played, so it was something that was often discussed. But it’s harder over here, and when I first started playing (in Baton Rouge) it was a hard time finding even eight players to get together.”
They gradually grew, and now turnout to their games is often around 15 or so – enough for a short Sunday afternoon crack around a parking lot. Playing on concrete instead of the usual grass is a drawback though, taking away the athleticism of those in the field.
“You can’t go diving around, fielding properly,” says fellow player Devesh Lamichhane. “It’s not the best playing surface since you run the risk of injury. You have to be careful, but it’s really more like a social occasion. We get together and drink beer, talk cricket, play cricket.”
“If it wasn’t for cricket I wouldn’t have met a lot of people I know now,” adds Shrestha. “I’ve met a lot of people from my own country. We try and do it whenever we can. It’s a good way to stay in touch.”
It’s a similar story with Hari Devadas, who founded the official Baton Rouge Cricket Club with Cherian Korah back in 2008 after discovering that, well, there actually wasn’t one. Originally from India, Devadas moved to Baton Rouge in 2004 after living in the cricket-rich environs of Southern California. The lack of an official cricket club, even a small one, took him aback.
“There are 72-team tournaments in California, and I played a lot when I lived there,” he says.
“But when I came here I found there wasn’t a team. We started with only five or six people, a tennis ball and a cricket bat and began to play on Saturday mornings. Slowly, people started coming out … so in 2008 we founded the team officially and by 2010 we had around 50 members.”
The club, while still fairly small, often plays tournaments both locally and with other Louisiana cricket clubs. Lafayette has a renowned one although, unsurprisingly, it’s New Orleans that’s the cricket mainstay of Louisiana, with some clubs reaching back 40 years.
Competitive though it may sometimes be, it’s still more an excuse to gather and have a bit of fun. “We have people from different ages, some older guys and some young baseball hotshots,” Devadas says. “I tell the guys to have fun – it’s only three or four hours and you’re going to be working all week, so enjoy it.”
And that’s how it goes. It doesn’t have the all-encompassing popularity of the homegrown sports or the college-led enthusiasm of rugby; instead, cricket’s an under-the-radar social phenomenon. It’s an excuse for people with different backgrounds to gather for a few hours a week and reconnect, to talk about the great batsmen and bowlers of a sport that few recognize here, yet it is so integral to the identity of those who play and follow it. And, with a true local touch, it’s also a reason to drink a few beers.
It’s hard to say whether said beers played a part in the result of last month’s Nepalese fixture, although it’s possible. Chasing a solid score, it all comes down to Shrestha and Lamichhane, the last two batsmen for the fielding team. In a ‘bottom of the ninth’-type scenario, the two need another 20 or so runs to win, with not much time left. They’re doing their best. Cracking the ball high and wide, they scramble for anything they can get, surviving numerous dropped catches and missed opportunities to close in on an unlikely win. But it’s not enough. Shrestha, on a roll, goes for one big hit too many and fires it straight into the welcoming hands of a catcher. Game over.
The batsmen shrug, the fielders high five, and everyone trundles off for one more Budweiser. “Ah well,” a philosophical Shrestha says between sips. “There’s always next time, right?”