Ready to face the world

It was a chilly December night in 2012. Finals were just over. I and my two roommates were kicking the semester goodbye in the usual fashion; drinking through the night. We were about to depart to our beds when the girl next door showed up and literally dragged us into making a bonfire in the backyard. Her loud and obnoxious nature was well known to us. We surrendered to her ideas and started collecting twigs and small branches, or at least pretended to do so, just so that we could avoid her wrath. One moment, I realized that it was just her and me in there. I started getting uncomfortable, not because of her presence but due to the apparent absence of my roomies. I had a hunch that the boys had their suspicion on me and were watching my activities from the window inside. I was too drunk to actually see them do it but I felt pretty sure. I worked it up all in my head that they wanted to see if I will start hitting on this girl. We knew her standards were not too high in particular. The very first time we had hang out together in the backyard, she had peed right in front of us. Anyone with two legs could get laid with her, or that's what we thought. 

I started to act as if I was hitting on her. I got closer till my body was touching hers. All to prove a point, to deny my roommates from confirming what they had thought of me. This act of false courtship went on for a while. But then I had enough. A voice inside me told that it just cannot go on like this anymore. This drama had to stop. I could not go on like this forever. The truth needed to be told. 

I escaped her, went straight to my room and locked myself. I was trembling, pacing back and forth my room with some unknown feeling. It was different than fear, it was certainly more than just fear. I opened my laptop and started going through the pictures of this girl that my parents had intended for me to marry. I looked at all her pictures, one by one. I could see the innocence in her eyes full of deep questions. They compelled me to surrender to truth, nothing but the truth. I felt if I told the truth and lived with it, it would, at worst, ruin just one life, that of my own. But clinging on to the lie as I had done for my whole life would mean that I would be responsible for the misery in not just mine but also the life of this innocent person that I had not even met. And at that moment of time, in that locked room, I decided do the right thing.  

I went to the living room. Roommates were in their bedrooms. I called them. They sat on the couch with amazed looks in their faces. I said that I had to tell them something. I paused for a long time and then gathered all my strength to utter the words, "I am gay." It was definitely the hardest moment of my life. When I asked if they had any suspicions, it turned out that everything that I thought earlier that night was just fabrics of my own imagination. Being drunk and sleepy, and also the fact that no one from our culture ever comes out, the boys had no clue how to react and suggested that we talk about this the next day. I was all shaken. I was scared about the prospect of others in our community finding it out. It was not a well planned coming out after all. It just happened. I called a really close friend of mine and we went to this cafe that opens 24 hours right next to campus. It was already four in the morning. At first, he just would not believe me. It took all my sincerity and hours of talk to convince him that I was actually gay. Later, he became my closest ally and helped me shape the course of my coming out process in the weeks and months that followed. I wish every gay person had a friend, an ally like him. 

It has been a smooth ride ever since. I have come out to all of my close friends whom I had a chance to meet after my decision to come out. As they are scattered all around the globe, I have not yet had the chance of seeing and telling many other great friends, but I am sure they will be happy for me as they read this. A big milestone for me in this journey was coming out to my brother's family when I saw them in Thanksgiving 2014 in Buffalo. I knew that they will love and support me no matter what but I was still a little nervous. When my bother told me that not only did he support me but would also fight with me, I knew my life ahead was not going to be as hard as I thought. I was relieved, coming out to my parents was going to be much more easier now that I had my brother and sister in law in my side. 

I had thoughts about going home this summer and telling my parents but things didn't work out as was planned. My brother's family was moving back to Nepal and we thought it would be a good idea for them to tell our parents. My brother told dad and I later called and told mom. Phenomenal support once again. Mom said, "Why didn't you tell us earlier? I can only imagine what you had to go through." She added that it was god's will to make me the way I am, and we all need to cherish this blessing. I felt really fortunate that I had this great woman as my mother. Even with all this support, my family was still a little reluctant about the idea of me telling everyone. I talked to them about it a few more times and convinced them that it behooves me to come out to everyone as it is not just an exercise of my individual freedom, but a moral responsibility as well. In a conservative society like the one back home, coming out is not something people do. I do not know a single Nepali gay person personally. This should not be statistically possible, but the strong stigma attached to homosexuality has prevented people from being who they are. And it is not just Nepal, I have seen and met plenty of gays here in US who remain discreet owing to the social pressure. People living two lives, because society does not accept the real them. I do not intend to change the whole society, I cannot, but if my action inspires just one more person to live his or her life honestly, I will be delighted. I have gathered support from my straight friends and family for this cause. I have seen people change their minds when it is someone they know and care about. I hope I can play my small part in this movement towards equality and justice. 

I am old enough to know what is right for me and young enough to nurture dreams for a better future. I am hopeful that I will get to enjoy the true essence of life when I am true to myself and to the world. So here I am, finally ready to take off this mask once and for all. Here I am, ready to embrace the world as who I really am.  Beat the drums, fly the rainbow flag high, I am gay, out, loud, and proud.